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The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate Paperback – 1 July 2002

4.6 out of 5 stars 549 ratings

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  • The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
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  • The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
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  • Why Won't You Apologize? [Paperback] Harriet Lerner
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Product description


I love Hariet Lerner's work.---Anne Lamott, author of Traveling Mercies

"The Dance of Connection can save your marriage, a friendship, and your relationship with your mother, father, sister, brother--even your boss. Brimming with practical advice, sharp wit, extraordinary knowledge, deep caring."--Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

"Lerner rescues us from the swamps and quicksands of difficult relationships with her unique clarity and profound intelligence. This book is for everyone."--Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of After the Affair

"Lerner does a remarkable job teaching us new steps in the complicated, mysterious, painful and beautiful dance that we call family life."--Mary Pipher, Ph.D.

"Lerner's mass appeal results in...accessible and well-organized work that...belongs in all libraries Highly recommended."--Library Journal

From the Back Cover

In her most affirming and life-changing book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner teaches us how to restore love and connection with the people who matter the most. In The Dance of Connection we learn what to say (and not say) when:

  • We need an apology, and the person who has harmed us won't apologize or be accountable.
  • We don't know how to take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate.
  • We feel worn down by the other person's criticism, negativity, or irresponsible behavior.
  • We have been rejected or cut off, and the other person won't show up for the conversation.
  • We are struggling with staying or leaving, and we don't know our bottom line.
  • We are convinced that we've tried everything -- and nothing changes.

Filled with compelling personal stories and case examples, Lerner outlines bold new voice lessons that show us how to speak with honor and personal integrity, even when the other person behaves badly.

Whether we're dealing with a partner, parent, sister, or best friend, The Dance of Connection teaches us how to navigate our most important relationships with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction.

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Product details

  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 272 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 006095616X
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0060956165
  • Customer reviews:
    4.6 out of 5 stars 549 ratings

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Most helpful customer reviews on 4.4 out of 5 stars 158 reviews
Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful and thoughtful book
28 February 2017 - Published on
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30 people found this helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Good read as always
27 April 2018 - Published on
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13 people found this helpful
Hane Due
1.0 out of 5 stars Feels like a bunch of words scribbled on a page, again and again.
15 January 2020 - Published on
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5 people found this helpful
Niranjana n
5.0 out of 5 stars I cant say enough good things about this book
28 September 2016 - Published on
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18 people found this helpful
Charlene Boucher
5.0 out of 5 stars highly recommend
16 October 2016 - Published on
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7 people found this helpful